Caiti’s Testimony

Like Thomas, I was raised in a Christian home. We were very active in church. My two brothers and I went to Sunday School, VBS, Church Camp…whatever activity was available for our age group at the time. I asked Jesus into my heart at a VBS when I was nine and my brothers and I were baptized later that year. I spent my Jr. High and High School years trying my best to deny the temptations of the world and be a good Christian. I had great role models for faith, but somehow the relationship aspect of following Christ didn’t quite click for me until I was in college.

I have struggled with chronic depression since I can remember. I go through severe episodes of loneliness and self-deprecation. My mom struggled with breast cancer and related issues since I was five and to deal with the constant fear of losing her, I learned to shut down a lot of emotions and numb myself. It wasn’t very conducive to fighting depression. While I was at NAU was just about the darkest time in my life. Being away from my mom while she was suffering was terrible and that self-deprecation hit with full force. I began to deny Jesus’s sacrifice–not in general, just for myself. I couldn’t deny He came and died on the cross, I just couldn’t accept that I was included in those He came to save. I became so depressed I rarely went to class and only left my dorm to eat. I considered myself past the point of saving and looked to the world for answers instead of God, making some…questionable decisions. My roommate at the time was a Christian also, and we were a part of a Christian organization on campus. The leader of that group counseled me and helped me begin to see that it is only because of the love of Christ that I am worthy of the love of Christ. I ended up rededicating my life to God and getting re-baptized before I left NAU. Turns out you really have to go to class if you want to pass your classes, but I went home with a refreshed spirit.

When we said goodbye to my mom a year later, I was definitely tested. I was really jealous that God gets to be with her and she with Him, but I learned that God can handle our anger and is with us in our grief.

I still hadn’t figured out what a difference spiritual disciplines can have in deepening our relationship with God, though. That came much later than I would like to admit. I grew up in church, was baptized twice, and God sent me a wonderful husband with a theological background and I still couldn’t stick to reading the Word or pray consistently. Depression was hitting me again so badly I finally tried medication. When that didn’t seem to help, I finally turned to God for comfort. Looking back now, I laugh because it seems so obvious. I pushed myself to read just one chapter of the Bible a night and then pray no matter how awkward I felt. Not only did I get closer to God, but He deepened all my other relationships.

Now I feel called to share His love with others. I know I am not unique in feeling unworthy, and I want to help people come to understand that our worthiness has nothing to do with His love. There was never a thing we could do to make Him love us and there is not a thing we can do that would make Him love us. He loves us, pure and simple.